Tuesday, August 29, 2006
luke-warm
I'm frustrated. My frustration is almost leading to anger and that probably isn't the best response.So many men and women who claim the name of Christ yet don't love Him, don't follow after Him with every breath in them, and certainly don't obey Him. This bothers me... incredibly. I'm finding I don't know the right words to say, the right things to pray, and how to control my rising anger and disgust.
Just some venting.
Heather Dowling at 8:01 AM
Friday, August 25, 2006
feeling very grown-up...
It may seem awfully silly to some of you, but there are moments it seems I wake up to the ever growing "grown-up" things around me.*A man, who isn't my father, living with me in this house. (Yes, sometimes it still hits me that I'm a married woman.)
*My entire, wonderful,"career" revolving around caring for said man and said house.
*Going to look at a big white house to possibly become our own.
*Refering to 6 years ago as "back when".
*Hearing of my little sisters beginning to drive. Unbelievable.
*Eating salads, not necessarily by choice, but because my body isn't 16 and shedding pounds by just playing voleyball for fun.
*Holding a garage sale with a friend. That was something I rolled out of bed to help mom with just yesterday, wasn't it?
*Having a date-night to a drive-in movie with my husband. The term date-night used to mean Heather was babysitting three younger siblings.
*Sunday afternoons being a catch up on sleep day. What happened to food with friends after church?
*Realizing I have wrinkles. Okay, they're just laugh lines, but they are there.
I feel like I'm getting old. Does it really happen already? At 22?
Heather Dowling at 2:29 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling- even the LORD, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
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Midnight promises to calm my fears.
Heather Dowling at 9:07 AM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Welcome back migranes. You haven't been missed.I remember when I was a teenager and my mother told me that for all five of her pregnancies her migranes would vanish but quickly return once that little person arrived. Quite unfortunate for me I've inherited many of my mothers ailments, i.e. arthritis, migranes, anemia. (Though I have inherited many of her wonderful qualities so I can't complain.)
After she told me of this miracle I couldn't wait to be married and pregnant...often. For anyone who suffers from migranes, you understand. Sure enough, after May my migranes disappeared, and sure enough after this past weekend... the monster has returned. Not fun. Not fun at all.
Heather Dowling at 11:34 AM
Saturday, August 19, 2006
couch-therapy
I'm home. Where it smells like clean laundry, scented candles, and autumn today. Where I can rest in the knowledge that I'm a child of God with a safe, warm, home.Yesterday afternooon began a hellish ordeal which led us to the Emergency Room, which led me to surgery, which led me to an uncomfortable bed in a hospital until mid-morning today.
Which leads me to gratefulness. Grateful that I am His beloved and He is mine. Grateful that I'm here... able to post this message. Grateful for a husband's sweet kisses, and a big sisters trek to our sleepy town to cook me lasanga and take care of me. Grateful for all Christ's many blessings, and more to come. Because I still believe.
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see
I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokeness I can see that THIS IS YOUR WILL FOR ME
Help me to know you are near
Heather Dowling at 6:42 PM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
fashion diva?
There are a brand new pair of brown stylish high-heeled shoes sitting in front of my closet. After much convincing on her part, I broke down and bought them today. Now the true test will be to combine these high-heeled shoes and my clumsy way of life and hope the result isn't too terrible. Thought my dear friend is absolutely sure these look great, and will go with several outfits... I'm still wondering why there are high-heels in MY bedroom. As my friend put it today "One small step for Heather, one giant leap for man-kind". Okay, maybe at least a giant leap in "fashion" for me.Heather Dowling at 6:35 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
good outweighing the bad?
Things that have made me happy so far this week:2 new CDs: Nicklecreek & Starfield.
A new Book: A Chance To Die: The Life & Legacy of Amy Carmichael.
My hair starting to grow out- finally.
Wearing my Maurices jeans again.
Cool tempatures sticking around.
A clean car, vacuumed and all.
R.Jay and I going on a double date to the movies with our pastor and his wife.
An appointment on Friday with a new midwife!
Things that have NOT made me so happy so far this week:
The claw foot tub in my bathroom which makes cleaning in, around, and under it absolutely impossible.
Finding it impossible to find a decent priced (NICE) home for sale in this area.
The milk I bought at P&C and had to dump two days later because it was spoiled (AND STILL HAD PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THAT LITTLE DATE ON THE CARTON).
Putting my maternity clothes away for now.
The doctor we have had through all our baby struggles.
I'm sure you all wanted to know of the silliest things that can brighten or trample a moment of my days!
Heather Dowling at 2:34 PM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
We snuck away. We packed our bags, tent, food, and gear and headed deep into the woods. And we loved every moment of the quiet, the closeness, and the voice of God. Yesterday afternoon when R.Jay came home from work we grabbed our things and camped, just the two of us, at Streeter Lake. The campfire and smores, the fire pit breakfast, a hike, and reading together by the beach (despite extreme cold tempatures) helped to heal some heartache.Yesterday was also my ultrasound, and with that came results we've been anticipating. My ultrasound confirmed the blood work taken earlier this week that our baby won't make it to this earth, but instead be with Jesus for eternity... now.
We appreciate all the kindess so many have offered and we are especially grateful for all the prayers. We ask they continue... the struggle doesn't end here.
Sneaking away helped us to realize just how great God is, and how amazing His love for us is. I need more times of "sneaking away" even if that means to a comfy seat in my living room. We are blessed. We are grateful.
As for our "glory baby"... 'you'll just have heaven before we do.'
Heather Dowling at 6:58 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Life in His Word, Life in a song
Psalm 84:11, 12 ~ For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the Lord with hold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you.Philippians 1:29 ~ For you have been given not only the PRIVILEGE of trusting in Christ but also the PRIVILEGE of suffering for him.
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I'll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
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You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
For you know better than I
He is ALWAYS good...
Heather Dowling at 3:23 PM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The chill in the air today couldn't have come at a better time. Doors and windows are open here and fresh, cool air is blowing in... almost calming.I turn 22 today. And I feel older than I thought I would a week ago.
Last night my husband gave me an early birthday present. An under-the-cabinet CD player for my kitchen. I've wanted one since we've lived here, since a good portion of each of my days is spent in the kitchen. It was hooked up within minutes and music poured through our little kitchen as R.Jay made me a chocolate cake with homemade vanilla frosting. Singing and giggling in the kitchen last night made me realize just how blessed I truly am. Even the very fact that the dreaded phone call we were expecting from my doctor last night, giving us results, never came. I didn't want our smiles to end last night and God knew. He always knows.
His grace has never meant more. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so hopeful, so blessed, so much more joy than I did three days ago. But it's simple really... its Christ in me. His power and His strength in my very being. The joy of the Lord is truly my strength.
Psalm 121 "I lift my eyes to the hill- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
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A big thank you to all who have been praying and I ask that you continue... prayer works. Also, thank you to Jackie who gave me some great birthday presents. I'm more blessed than I know sometimes.
Heather Dowling at 9:55 AM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Thursday R.Jay and I received the news I have a "probable" blighted ovum. My ultrasound read 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant, with no sign of an embryonic tail. I have two rounds of blood work and another ultrasound before the decision is final. If indeed it is a blighted ovum (when a baby stops growing sometime within the 1st trimester) I'll have a choice to miscarry naturally or have a D&C.Please pray. God is in control.
Heather Dowling at 9:31 AM